133. God, What Am I Doing Here?

The Holy Modal Rounders: Last Round (Adelphi, 1978);
composed by Barbara Ann Goldblatt

I do not mean to be insulting, but I suspect that this song may be perfect, if you can imagine the Absolute having multiple flavors and toppings. Its author, who answered to Antonia, occasionally adding Duren or Stampfel to it, was one of the primary songwriters for a group she made possible by introducing its two original members to each other. Whether she was a performing member of the group herself would have to be confirmed by eyewitnesses, because it is not entirely clear from the extant but strangely evanescent recordings. She wrote the song that came nearest to being a hit – “Bird Song” – when it was included on the Easy Rider soundtrack. She also wrote “Fucking Sailors In Chinatown,” which did not appear on record until this century. And she also-also wrote the single greatest songful meditation on human existence in the language (since Messiaen’s Quatuor pour la fin du temps has no words and would be in French anyway): “The cold wind from space / Is blowing in my face. / God, what am I doing here?” The question is both a cosmic conundrum and a sputter of exasperation, like Bette Davis saying, “What a dump!” in Beyond the Forest.

Note: Secular essays about individual songs, each one exactly 200 words long, appearing one per day through Advant and at least semi-regularly until Donald goes away.